It's T-Shirt Time!

If you have never watched MTV's Jersey Shore, then consider yourself lucky. For the rest of us that have gotten sucked in by the crazy cast of the shore, Thursday nights will never be the same. The tanned, loud, obnoxious and drunken antics of the cast are such a trainwreck that you just can't look away. How can their be "tanned antics" you ask? Just watch. It happens. 

The first time I ever watched Jersey Shore was in the first season, when Snooki gets punched in the face. By a dude. At a bar. I was so intrigued by the fact that a pint sized meatball of a girl like Snooki could be so annoying as to inspire a man to punch her in the face! From then on, I was hooked. Sure, these kids are pretty ridiculous but at the same time, it is quite possibly the most entertaining reality show to ever grace the small screen. The Jersey Shore cast has spawned an entirely new diatribe in American culture. They have been criticized endlessly for their promiscuous conduct, irresponsible drinking habits and their frighteningly obvious abuse of tanning beds. New Jersey-ites (not sure if that's the right word) complain that they are giving Jersey a bad name, and Italian-Americans are calling them a disgrace to their culture.  I, on the other hand, applaud them for their reckless behavior and drama-filled lives. You know why? Because it makes for some good TV.

Perhaps the best thing about the Jersey Shore thus far is the colorful range of words and phrases it has added to the lexicon of American English: grenade, smush, beatin' up the beat, GTL, fist pumping, robbery, hippopotamus, gorilla, fresh to death, and pouf are just some of the many examples. While I can do without a lot of the Sammi-Ron drama, I can't get enough of Snooki's drunken confessionals, J-Woww's massive...assets or the Situation's desperate attempts to land any female who is DTF (down to, well, you can fill in the blank). It is so over-the-top ridiculous, but you just can't NOT watch it once you start. 

Clearly, this entry was inspired by my favorite self-proclaimed guidos and guidettes: A guide to Jersey Shore beauty. You will notice that key elements here are: orange tans, big hair and tons of caked on makeup. Enjoy!

Ed Hardy Body Shots Mega-Extreme Black Tingle Formula with Ultra-Dark Silicone Bronzers, $40

http://www.edhardytanning.com/indoor_tanning_lotions/exclusive_line/body_shots.html 

Ed Hardy is the unofficial clothing line of the Jersey Shore. The girls all have their Ed Hardy bikinis and trucker hats, while the guys seem to have an endless array of Ed Hardy shirts in their closet. This indoor tanning lotion is marketed as the "Most Intense Tanning Experience Ever." I believe it, as I'm not sure you could get much more intense then "mega-extreme black tingle." If you want an authentic fake Jersey Shore tan, this is right up your alley.

GlowFusion Air Glow, $87.50
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P174903&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=5781

Just to make sure you have that extra-orange glow, get yourself one of these bad boys. After you get home from the tanning beds, spray this right on and you're good to go. It dries instantly so you can get right back to cooking up some delicious sangwiches and chicken cutlets.  

Too Faced Peach Leopard Bronzer, $28
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P277302&categoryId=B70

Just in case the fake tan and the fake spray-on tan weren't enough, this bronzer will surely be the perfect finishing touch on that beautiful orange tan you've got going on. The peach tone will really make your skin glow and make people think that you just stepped out of the tanning bed - well, you probably did anyways. 

Benefit Bad Gal Eyeliner, $20
http://www.benefitcosmetics.com/

If you are trying to achieve the "Hi, I've been drinking heavily for the past five hours" eye look, then this is your eyeliner. Just line your eyes, smudge it out, and it will look like you have been drinking all day! 

Urban Decay Polyester Bride Eyeshadow, $17
http://www.urbandecay.com/categories/Eyeshadow.cfm

What every Jersey Shore girl needs is some frosty white eyeshadow to really emphasize how dark you skin is. Polyester Bride is an excellent choice, as it is littered with glitter. There is nothing so trashy-chic as smudgy black eyeliner with white glittery shadow. Ohh yeahhh!!

Ardell Demi Wispies False Eyelashes, $3.49
http://www.madamemadeline.com/online_shoppe/products.asp?cat=3

Falsies are a fist-pumping guidette's dream. When you're surrounded by a bunch of juiceheads and gorillas at the club, the last thing you want to worry about is mascara running down your face. Plus, with all the black eyeliner you will be wearing, you definitely want to make sure you're eyelashes stand out. Fake is always the way to go.

MAC Tanarama Lipstick, $14.50
http://www.maccosmetics.com/whats_new/4332/index.tmpl

This frosty nude lipstick from MAC's Cham-Pale Collection is perfect to counteract the craziness you've got going on with your eyes. The more it blends in with your skin, the better. The goal is to make it look like you've been eating salt and vinegar chips for two hours straight.

Big Sexy Hair Concepts Spray and Play Hairspray, $12
http://www.sexyhair.com/products_big.aspx#

Big is better at the shore. Big muscles, big boobs, big hair, big....well, you catch my drift. Spray and Play will keep your pouf going through long hours at the club, and even through those late night/early morning snack and smush sessions. No jersey shore girl should be without a can of this stuff.

Joico Ice Spiker, $10.99
http://www.joico.com/products/Styling/ice-hair/ice-spiker

Boys, if you are dying for the coveted Pauly D spikes, this is actually the gel that he uses to get his famous 'do. Because "150mph on the highway on a street bike… it doesn’t move! What makes you think it’s gonna move in a gelato shop?" 

Bath and Body Works Need A Margarita? Body Wash, $13
http://www.bathandbodyworks.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3307347&cp=2484528.4050548

Because your pores are leaking alcohol anyways, you may as well start fresh with an alcohol-scented body wash. This delicious lime shower gel leaves you with silky, margarita scented body wash. At the shore, you always need a margarita.

Dangerous Perfume by Sammi Sweetheart, $21
http://dangerousperfume.com/store/

Yes, this is for real. Just like every other pseudo-celebrity nowadays, Sammi will be releasing a fragrance line this spring. Coming to a check out counter display near you: the scent of sweat, stale beer and codependency.

What would be your Jersey Shore beauty essentials?